Customer: "Waiter! What's this?"
Waiter: "It's bean soup, Sir."
Customer: "I do not want to know what its been, I want to know what it is!"
Teacher: "John, define appetite."
John: "Sir, when you eat too much appy, your belly gets tight."
"Will you tell the court what passed between you and your wife during the quarrel?" asked the judge.
The long suffering husband replied:
"A flat iron, a rolling pin, six plates and a tea kettle."
One teenage girl to the other: "I'll bet if Romeo and Juliet had telephones, things would have worked out much better."
When a woman looks wistful and tender and pensive,
she's probably thinking of something expensive!
The policeman helped the battered man from the pavement in front of the local bar and asked "Can
you describe the man who hit you?"
Replied the man, "That's exactly what I was doing when he hit me"
Said the wife to her errant husband, "You drunken beast, if I were in your condition, I'd shoot myself!"
Replied the spouse "If you were in my condition, you'd miss-"
An elderly woman complained about another parishoner to her minister. When asked what the other
had done to annoy her she said "She ignores me, and I don't like ignorance."
Her father asked his prospective son-in-law if he could support a family. "No Sir, I was only
planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to take care of yourselves."
The teacher was somewhat taken aback by the drawing that one of her students had submitted. "Why, Simon!" she
exclaimed "that looks like a cowboy going into a saloon?" "It's okay," he assured her, "He's not going
to drink anything – He's just going to shoot a guy."
A small boy not even big enough for kindergarten, learned how to spell "cat". Flushed with triumph,
he exclaimed proudly, "Just wait until the cats hear about this!"
"If we get married will you give up smoking?" asked the prospective bride.
"Yes, dear," replied the fellow.
"And drinking, too"
"And you will stop going to the Club in the evening?"
"And what else are you thinking of giving up?"
"The idea of getting married."